Friday, May 20, 2011

My Journey of Heart Change I

Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV

I talked here about how I realized God had done a work in my heart, in regards to my role as a wife and mother, and I was/am so excited that I can boast in His work in my life.  It truly was not me doing it, but God himself. 

Really, if you think about that-God, Creator, Sustainer, I AM, Holy, Perfect, Yahwah-He chose to look down on little old me, and offer up His healing hand, his Scalpel, and draw me to Him. Goodness, that is pretty impressive!  I am nothing, and yet Royalty came down and met me where I was, to bring me closer to him.  Wow!

One thing that I am in awe of still, is how he went about changing me.  Looking back, it's so much fun to see the things he used.  I don't see the picture fully of course, but I can see certain 'highlights' and even the general outline of how he got me to where I am.

I must first confess that I never really cared if I became a wife and mom.  I would really have preferred a more dramatic role in life, and touched many, many lives, rather then just a few.  It's more my style.  That whole 'orphanage in Africa' thing appealed to me far more then changing the diapers of my own flesh and blood.  Weird, I know.   But really, it just shows you how much work God really did in my heart.

I did end up getting married, obviously.  I did end up having kids, obviously.  Two of them to be exact.  And both are very cute and sweet and a joy.

But, ever since seeing that 'double line' on the pregnancy test, I've found myself waiting to get that 'maternal feeling' toward my kiddos.  I waited and waited and waited, until, oh, about this week.  Geesh, 8 years, that's a long wait! 

I read about people going through infertility treatments, and I confess, I've just never understood. Of course, I just thought about getting pregnant and did, so who knows, maybe if we had tried and not been able to have kids, I would have been devastated.  Only  God knows, and it doesn't really matter anymore.

But, I remember rocking my babies to sleep, wondering if I'd ever feel that 'connection' to my own children.  I read about, I wanted it.  It sure would have made the parenting thing a lot easier!  My mom had it.  She was amazing with her little kids.  Why didn't I have it?  I assumed it came along with the umbilical cord.

Parenting wasn't all awful.  There have certainly been some great moments, and God has given me grace and strength along the way.  My life is so much deeper because of it.  My husband and I agree that we never would have matured and lost our intense selfishness (notice, we are still selfish, but it's not as intense), without having parenthood forced upon us.

But, still, there was something missing.  And I knew it.  I had come to realize that many, many moms don't have that 'connection' with their children, at birth, and sometimes never.  And I knew that God still had determined that marriage and parenting was the way he wanted the world to continue on. Parenting is certainly a blessing if you read the Bible! 

So, I finally confessed that my heart wasn't in my parenting, and just decided to plug on, doing the right thing, drawing closer to the Lord, and leave the rest to God.  He would certainly bless my desire, even if my heart wasn't in it.

Well, it's funny.  Being where I am now, where I've wanted to be for 8 years, is so different then I expected.  I don't have a 'lovey dovey' emotional feeling about parenting still.  But, what I do have is far greater.  It's a blessing from the Lord of Hosts.  It's a peace that passes all understanding.  It's a guarantee, for the first time in my 33 years, that I AM in the will of God.  I am exactly where he wants me.  I am doing the job he has chosen for me to do.  And, as long as I can have that kind of peace, what more do I need?

I was reading my diary from when I was in high school.  I was about to graduate and wanted so desperately to 'do God's will', but after studying the Scriptures and praying and asking and pleading, I just couldn't figure out what his will was.  WHAT COLLEGE WAS I SUPPOSED TO ATTEND?  That was my burning question. I was SURE the rest of my spiritual growth depend on me making the right decision in that area of my life.  I remember feeling so discouraged that I ended up at a local community college.  I was sure God wasn't in it.  It wasn't a Christian college, so naturally he wasn't in it.

And you know, I realized, while reading that diary, that I was still grappling with that question 15 years later.  I still didn't know what 'God's will for my life' was, and I was just sort of hanging around, waiting to hear it.  How sad! 

Well, God has spent the last 7 years or so, showing me what 'his will' is for my life, and I just didn't realize it.  Really, he has spent my whole life doing that, but he has esp concentrated on showing me how his will for my life right now, is to be a helpmeet to my husband, and a nurturer, training and discipliner of my children.  That's it.  That is his will for my life right now.  And he hammered that in during all of my studies of education, nutrition, marriage and the Bible.  I just didn't realize it at the time.

3 comments:

  1. Read the following post on being a mother - it's beautiful!!!

    http://memoriesoncloverlane.blogspot.com/2011/03/questions-to-ask-ourselves.html

    I stumbled across your blog today - hope the post above encourages you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for sharing- as I consider the Lord's will for my future, this spoke to me.

    ReplyDelete