2 Corinthians 12:9 And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.
I haven't written on my blog in so long. But God has really been working on my heart during the last few months. And since pride was something he has had to work esp hard on in me, I figured blogging wasn't exactly helping to humble me. :)
I have realized, in the last few weeks, that God has been working mightily in my heart and changing it in so many ways. It's been a slow, long journey. And I tended to get in the way more then be of service. But He was faithful to not give up, and seeing the fruit is just so exciting! I have a lot more growing up to do of course. That process will not end until I am in Heaven sans my not-so-lovely-sin-nature. But I am slowly coming to appreciate spiritual growth here on earth, sanctification it's called in 'doctrinal-speak'.
I am a do-er. I do what needs to be done. I love it. I love figuring out what the right actions/reactions are, and then doing it. It's worked wonders with our physical lives in the way we nourish ourselves, and in the kids' academic lives, as I have learned to work 'with' them, rather then against how God made them to grow. Although, even in those, God does still get the glory for guiding me. Who knows where I would have ended up otherwise. Probably on a raw diet and doing 'unschooling'. *shivers* Ok, so it could be worse. I have certainly implemented some of the 'raw way of life' and appreciate that aspect of food. And I believe that formal education should be held off for some time with children, in order to work on their character development when they are most mold-able in that area, and to preserve the joy of learning in them. So once again, I have taken a lot from the 'unschooling' way of thinking and greatly appreciate it.
But, one area that I knew I was seriously lacking in, but could not change, no matter what I read, was in my overall attitude toward my husband and kids. I walked around sulking because my husband was a difficult man (or so I thought), and my kids were esp hard to raise. 'Oh, woe is me'. The pity parties I had for myself, it's embarrassing to think about. But when I was corresponding with a friend, I realized that I was miserable long before I had kids, and definitely before I was married as well.
In high school I was known as the 'glass is always half full' girl. Seriously, my outlook on life was always positive. Maybe fakey, I honestly don't remember. But somewhere in between high school and marriage, that changed. It was probably a slow change, but I truly don't know. I just remember being so utterly miserable. But have no idea why.
Well, we had Myia 'accidentally' and were not even nearly ready for being parents, emotionally, mentally, spiritually or financially (and esp not physically I have learned since reading up on nutrition). And let me tell you, I let that be fodder for years of pity parties! She was one tough baby, and Drew struggled so much with her. Now I think he was struggling more with my reaction then anything else.
I remember looking around at the moms who seemed to really love parenting. I always thought that would be me. I love kids, always have. But having my own, I found to be incredibly more difficult then taking care of someone else's! You couldn't blame all of their short-comings on someone else. It was entirely your own fault. I was a terrible mom, with a terrible attitude.
Now mind you, not for lack of effort. I read ALL the parenting books I could get my hands on. I talked to everyone, I prayed and cried. I wanted to love my kids. I didn't want to look at my kids and think they were a nuisance. But alas, I did. I knew it was wrong, and I hoped that if I pretended, that it would eventually come.
At some point, maybe last year, or the year before, I gave up on pretending. I started to get an inkling of the fact that what I really needed was a serious heart change. And the only heart surgeon that is skilled enough for that is the Holy Spirit, through the scalpel of the Holy Scriptures. And I realized that lying to others and myself wasn't really protecting my children from the painful truth that their mother didn't love them. It was protecting my pride, and keeping my heart from being properly prepped for surgery.
So, I started talking about it with people, even my kids some. Thankfully, they were young and didn't really have a clue. :)
And you know, that was about the last I remember consciously thinking about it. Specific issues have arisen in the meantime, and Drew and I have dealt with them as they come. But I hadn't given much thought to my overall mommy attitude. Until this last week. Being sick gives you lots of time to think! :)
I realized, joy of joys, that not only has the Lord given me a true respect for my husband (poor man, that was far too long in coming!), but he has given me a mommy's heart as well. Oh, it's so wonderful, I wanted to shout for joy (except I couldn't because my throat was killing me and I could do little more then croak). And I realized that it was something I COULD boast in. Because the Lord is glorified when we boast in him. When it was me doing all the necessary changes in my life, not only was I really miserable inside, but I was also prideful. 'Oh, look at all I've done, look at all the books I've read. Pat me on the back, I'm just such a good person'. Yuck, wreaks like a skunk. And, to boot, I was miserable. Now there is something to attain for! *rolls eyes* Good thing I stopped sharing my faith for a time, I would have only pushed people away.
Finally, something I am allowed to, no, I am called to, boast in. The Holy Spirit did a work in me, that I see so many other moms also longing for, just like I was myself. But I didn't do it. Heck, I had given up altogether on it and figured I'd just better live with the truth then a lie. And then, low and behold, I turn around in my journey of life and realize that the Lord did an amazing work in my life. And to Him be ALL the glory. All of it.
Now, just to be clear, life is still hard at times. And, my kids are now 6 and almost 8, truly fun ages, as opposed to the younger, harder years. And, our diet has truly changed our personalities and attitudes and we are much easier people to be with. But even all of those were coordinated by the Lord, to bring him glory. He orchestrated every detail of our life to this point, to help us get where we are.
What I am talking about here, is a deep, rooted JOY that passes all human understanding. Not a 'happy go lucky' perfect world. We still have our problems, but I truly do take joy in my job as a mom.
Praise be to God!!!!!!!!