When I first became a mom (7 years ago), I was so unhappy with the 'job'. I felt guilty not being 'busy' and not being more useful and important. Burping babies and changing diapers does not come with a lot of prestige (unless of course you're a nanny, then for some reason it's considered perfectly useful to society), and I craved attention and men's accolades. I didn't admit it at the time. To be fair, I might not have even realized it then. But over the years, that discontentment grew and drug me down. I remember standing in my messy living room one day, a few years ago, and wishing I could run an orphange with 30 sick kids. Granted, I could barely take care of my own 2 sick kids. But somehow if they weren't my own, and there were more of them, I thought I could handle it.
What I didn't realize at the time was that my lack of contentment and joy in motherhood was based on the world's idea of worthiness and importance. More is better. If only I could be affecting the lives of 30 people instead of 2, it would make it all worth it. I would feel important. I could change the world. It would be my 'ministry' to God. He would be proud of me and I could be proud of myself.
But, what I have come to learn over the last few years is that God does not operate that way. In his glory and wisdom, he created men to glorify Himself through the roles he gives to them in their daily lives. Nothing grand is necessary. Yes, sometimes he does choose to use people in larger venues. Billy Graham, Charles Spurgeon, Charles Wesley and George Whitefield come to mind. But, after studying the lives of some amazing, effective evangelist, I have come to the conclusion that he has only been able to use them because of their humility and utter trust in God. I have also come to realize that I am NOT that humble and if God were to use me in the lives of great amounts of people, it would most assuredly go to my head and cause not only myself, but those who witness it, to stumble. He would, of course, receive no glory in that, and has graciously not allowed me to fulfill my 'dream' of affecting many people for him.
Paul says that he has learned to be content in whatever state he is in. I wanted to be able to say that, but truly couldn't.
So God graciously sent me on a journey of learning my 'place in this world' and my 'ministry' of bringing glory to Him. And of learning his 'plan' for mankind.
Once the Lord worked on the foundation of the marriage, which is so important to a family/child training, he started working on my attitude toward my children. I've been reading child-rearing tip type books since becoming a mom. But I've always known that I was missing something. And now I realize that the something was the foundation of my relationship with my husband and my attitude in general to my 'homemaking'.
Finally I get to attend to the details, which are what I really enjoy. My control-freakish nature of course, prefers those over the attitudes, which I can't ultimately control. It's a very exciting place to be.
And here is my manual for those details:
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
"Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.